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advice or criticism?
We all think we know the difference between advice and criticism. One sounds like something positive and the other like something negative. But, did you know that sometimes when we think we are giving advice, the person hearing us might be hearing criticism? It’s true! We don’t mean to criticize. We may even deny we are, if confronted. However, when the other person(s) feels criticized, it doesn’t much matter that we had good intentions.
A key to telling the difference between advice and criticism is to ask ourselves: “Did I receive a request to tell what I think about this situation?” Unless we have been asked: “What do you think I should have done" (or said, or not done, etc), the best response is an attentive and empathetic ear, no matter how tempted we are to volunteer something like:
“If I were you, I would have…..”
“Did you try doing …….?”
“Next time do ………”
“If you hadn’t done ……, maybe it wouldn’t have happened”
“I bet this would work ………”
“Why didn’t you ………?”
We feel we’re being helpful, others hear criticism. Let’s try some of these phrases instead:
“Wow, I bet that hurt your feelings”
“Oh no, I wish that hadn’t happened to you”
“No wonder you’re feeling ……, that would make anyone feel ……..”
“How can I help?” or “Can I help?”
“Really?” “Oh no!” “That’s awful”
Waiting for a request for our point of view is hard to do. Still, our opinions are much better received when we wait until we hear:
“What would you have done?”
“What did I do wrong?”
“What should I have done differently?”
“Can you give me any advice?”
“What do you think?”
Conversations are much improved when we remember—
Advice is not advice unless it has been requested!!
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